If You Didn’t ‘Get’ How The Black Church Keeps Black Women Single…

. 07/04/2010 . 59 Comments

  • (AGREE):  I love the Lord. But, I believe that the black church has systematically brainwashed black woman to “wait” on the Lord. There are 40, 50, 60 year old woman still “waiting.” Is that God…I have to say no. Is it natural to wait 30 years for companionship? No. The black church promotes “waiting” on the Lord theology because they know that woman make up 75% of the tithing congregation. This strategy is used to keep woman serving and waiting in the church. How is it possible to even meet a man when you are in the church serving 6 days a week? It’s impossible. I went to a church that frequently encouraged the woman to “wait on the Lord” and these woman were well into their 50’s and 60’s. This is not God. Let me say it again, THIS IS NOT GOD!!! The Lord desires that we live a balanced life – and not in bondage to man’s idea of church. There is so much to experience in the world but you cannot experience it holed up in the church from Sunday to Sunday. I say experience life and see God move in your life in a new way. Maybe then black woman will be open to new experiences and meeting men that they would never have considered before.
  • (BURY GIRL): I heard Ms. Cooper on the Tom Joyner Morning Show. I admit that I haven’t read the piece but based on her explanation, it seems she is promoting balance and that attending church ALL the time may not be the way to go for some women. Later in her interview, Ms. Cooper admitted that at age 6 she decided that church wasn’t the way she wanted to go and she hasn’t been in attendance since. So I think, as with other writers, we must take into account the writer’s personal life and views on the subjects they choose to write about. I don’t think anyone should strictly adhere to her “advice” but I do think that she has some valid points. In my opinion, our churches don’t address sexuality and relationships properly, especially when ministers and other church administrators are having affairs within the church. This is a great work to get us talking about the social lives of black Christian women and the congregation in general.
  • (Jim): Dear Deborrah: I came across your article on the Black church through a friend and was very impressed that you took on this mirroring role. As a 62-year old white man who grew up poor but spent 30+ years lawyering for the govt., I do not stand in a place to validate or approve or disagree. But I have spent many years doing my work on race and gender, including leading multicultural awareness trainings. So let’s say I see where you are coming from and have some sense of the attitudes and behaviors you are addressing and seeking to change and the intensity with which you will be resisted. The image in the mind is so different from the image in the mirror you are holding up for reflection.  It’s ironic in a way that the institution which evolved to protect its members from the insidious attitudes and behavior of racism and transform uneducated and recently freed slaves into educated, productive members of the middle class or trades to the extent they could, has seemingly remained so sexist, and dare I add homophobic. I had a powerfully transformative experience involving primarily the essential meaning of dominance in the Patriarchy, the banishment of the Divine Feminine, and the beginning of oppression of the Other. We are so deep in delusion that no thinks to question why we don’t have God the Mother and God the Daughter up in the Pantheon with God the Father and God the Son. How could that be? Blessings, Love and Light for this sacred work of Awakening!!
  • (Ber): I don’t even know what to say but thank you!! There are a lot of things, mainly the undertone that I don’t agree with however your message is heard, understood, and on point.  I enjoyed going to church and have grown significantly through the word of God but one day something happened. I commend the ministry on attempting to be gender neutral but what I observed clearly showed the messages which were received. The females were often quiet, without voice, constantly charged with Not enticing, Not pursuing, Not challenging the object of their affection. Drilled to be meek and the males were exactly the opposite acting out gifts of entitlement and earthy reign because they’re charged with leadership. Clear messages from the pulpit to the women….the Lord will bring you your husband so stop focusing on that mess and focus on the Lord. I began to wonder why they had to be mutually exclusive? I wasn’t trying to sleep with Jesus, but you’re taught you’re like the church (Jesus’ bride). For those without independent thought this alone can be quite damaging. The overall message is to wait on the Lord…find joy in him…seek not earthly pleasures. If you’re focused on a man you can’t be focused on God. I began to feel restricted, chained, controlled and left to rediscover myself. I’m so thankful to be delivered from all the static, noise coming from those who are afraid of me living the gift that life truly is. Noise from people who deep down inside may hold some resentment towards women or worse be stuck in the teachings prior to the women’s right movement (ha-ha). Just noise. I’m going after what I want with the Lord’s blessing.
  • (Leo):  We believe in a personal Savior who cares about the details of our life. And, when we hear from a pastor or leader, we listen because we believe them to be set apart for the work of ministering to God’s people. The Holy Ghost, whose presence inspires a shout, is our Master Teacher. The point is simply this–use every available medium, format, or venue possible to get to know God and understand what God wants for you. This article probably wont enlighten some, but take it to God in prayer. Is it scripture? No. But does it contain some interesting things about us as religious people? Yes! Keep thinking people of God. Don’t let every new idea trouble your faith, but don’t be afraid to hear new ideas. I’m still listening.
  • (Flower Child): The black church is mental slavery at best. Its nothing but a business. When black folk finally figure out that we don’t need a “leader” to help us get to the promised land and that GOD already exists within in you then we will be able to move forward.  Everything in that article is absolutely true. The only reason why people are offended is because the truth hurts. Its a shame we as black people are trained to blindly go along with whatever goes on in the black church right or wrong. BLACK PEOPLE LISTEN UP!!!!!!!!! GOD IS ALREADY IN YOU. YOU DONT HAVE TO LISTEN TO ANYBODY ELSE FOR THE WORD BUT YOU. THE PASTOR OF THE CHURCH DOES NOT KNOW MORE THAN YOU, NOR IS HE CLOSER TO GOD THAN YOU. BLACK FOLK GET A CLUE AND STOP BEING IGNORANT. DAMN!!!!!!!
  • (Rev. T.): When I saw on the TV that the topic for the show airing on tonight would be regarding the church and how it may or may not be responsible for keeping black women single, at the risk of being labeled angry and in pain, I immediately looked for your web site to respond-though the show may be a taped recording. For some time now I have wondered why it is that our churches have grown exponentially but the quality of our lives in the black community has not. By looking at the message and the messenger I have concluded that not only do we as black women got to change our approach to dating but we must seek out other spiritual messages. By this I mean that the spiritual message largely from our male spiritual leaders is our dated psychologically–we interpret differently today then we did yesterday. The prosperity message also has twisted the male members expectations, because it tells you that what you have is not good enough. This message is transferred to human relationships-why is it that large black churches with high numbers of male and female members also have a high single ministry? Good going on the topic on tonight-I hope we listen I know that we will not because if more black families were created and happy how much would members depend on the preachers to keep them happy?
  • (QB): WOW!!! I like the article . BLACK PEOPLE PLEASE RESEARCH THE ORIGIN OF RELIGION!!! PLEASE PLEASE STOP WITH ALL THE IGNORANCE!!!!! SEARCH FOR THE TRUTH!!!!!!!!! STOP PLAYING YOURSELF!!!!!
  • (MEEBO Anonymous): the only married couple in the church is the preacher and his wife…and u know the preacher fukking all the desperate single women…smh
  • (Supreme Eye):  You cannot expect a real man to sit up and listen to some dude trying to tell him how to live or run his house.  Many church going black women will do and follow what ever the preacher says without question. Yet the very man who puts a roof over her head, she will question and go against. How in the hell do you follow some dude who is pimping you out of your money and brainwashing your ass, but you will give your husband problems?  If I was a single man I would be that opportunistic player in church, because I know it would be easy pussy and I would sell game to these women just like Mr. Pimp at the pulpit and drop every inch of this dick in you.
  • (Pontiac CTO):  When you wrote “There is a huge world out here full of men of many different religious and spiritual beliefs, races, cultures and ages. Traditional thinking about women, men and gender roles which place Black women in a small box is passé – this is 2010! Break free of the chains of mental control promoted by the Black church and look around! Broaden your horizons and explore other options for romance.”  I think this was the real point. this is the solution that is being offered. not whether it is “truth” or “lies” or whether she is bitter and evil, or whether she is married or single. it is disappointing but not unexpected that some would get caught up on everything BUT the actual message. Explore options period, not just for romance. Option means YOU get to decide if this something you can get with. if in your exploration “outside the box” leads you to something you are simply not with, then you have the OPTION to say I’m not with that and move on. but you will never know what your options are if you are unwilling or unable to remove the blinders from your eyes and deviate from the course that has been dictated to you. I thought the article was 100% right on by the way. Maybe a little too subjective and borderline offensive, but yeah – I dug it anyway.
  • (MzA):  I kind of agree with Pontiac for the most part. I think the point of the article was simply this: Black women are hands down the most religious beings in this country. If you go to any black church on any Sunday, there are relatively few single black, straight, datable men within its walls. This is just true. It’s not me being bitter, it’s not me giving a reason as to why this is true, it just is what it is. I believe the point of the article was to tell black women that you’re likely to never meet your man in a black church and to just keep your options fully open beyond what you’re taught by family and traditional religious institutions within the black community. Was she offensive to the very group she’s trying to “enlighten”? Yep. But, I kind of think that was the point. The shock value of it all. To be as blunt about reality as possible, even to the point of slight embellishment.
  • (Shree) Though I both agree and disagree with the content of the article, I certainly think it is interesting and worth discussion. This is a conversation that’s long overdue. I don’t think this article has the answers to the issues facing Black (Christian) women, but also don’t think any one person has the answers. Maybe answers will come as we engage in good healthy/wholesome dialogue.

    Deborrah

    Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.

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