If You Didn’t ‘Get’ How The Black Church Keeps Black Women Single…

There is so much right with the original article that I am reluctant to point out all that is wrong with it.

Like life itself the nessage is a big fat paradox. Sigh.

What can we do? Accept it? Fight against it? Agree with the parts that make sense? Ignore the ones that are blatantly wacktackular?

One thing's for certain -- I do agree that general organized religion (in this example it manifests as The Black Church) is fueled by patriarchy and marginalization. That can never be good. So in that aspect I agree with the author despite the contradictory nature of the piece.

The fact that this article highlights a patriarchal theme by encouraging a lifestyle change based on finding a man---"black women if you want to find a man leave the black church" & promotes the very boxed-in type of thinking, stereotyping and generalizations that it so fervently fights against further confirms that we are all so very lost and confused.

But you can't blame the author for trying. Wake up calls are needed. So we should take them how we can get them.

WoW,, I'm a brotha that's feeling this issue. I was involved with one of those sistas that went to church, bible study, spitted scripture like Tupac did lyrics, was single, three years out of an emoyional/physical abusive marriage with the church-going brotha and in the end she could only say 'she wasn't feeling it in regards to me chasing her with love and respect.

In her church that I attended while we were together, it is full of single marrying age sistas, many with children and the preacher was surely indoctrinating them on waiting for God to send you a good man that is husband material and that he would be a man of the church. A church with little to no single men of marrying age. I stopped going to the catholic church in which I have always gone, to be with her at her church.

I'm old school so I asked her father if I could take out his daughter, I asked her brother because she asked me to, she works hard and plays the role a husband should play. She takes care of her sister who won't work, and her two kids, she mows the lawn, shovels the snow, buys the groceries, washes the clothes and dishes, pays the mortgage,,, and her sister knowing she's a church going God fearing woman keeps quoting scriptures to her; keeping her in a sort of la-la land trance whereas she won't tell het to be an adult and get a J.O.B. When we were together I mowed the lawn, cleaned the gutters, took her out because she needed some time to feel special. She has a business and I bought more from her in three months than her 1000 congregation church does in a year. I was consistent to always buy from her every two weeks whereas her pastor and his wife rarely bought anything; but she would shell out that dedicated percent each time she got paid. A look at the church financials showed they only had $4000 in the bank which stunned me because this is a church full of the Black well-to-do. Heck, this one girl tithes more than $3600 a year!

I asked her to get a merchants account so she could take credit card orders when a pharmicutical salesman said he could get her a lot of business, but she said she didn't have the money. It was $25/mth and she is shelling out $400/mth to a church that only asks so they can get a wide screen on the wall, and other stuff that has nothing to do with building (re-building) the low-income community that surrounds it. Fact is she has no room for a relationship between taking care of her sister and her kids, church, bible study and work. I sent flower to her job to brighten up her day on a bi-weekly basis, bought her gift certificates for massages that could last 4 or 5 month ay a time because she works hard,,, but she always compared me to the ex-husband as if I was going to be like him. She lost all three of the children during pregnancy and I think having her sisters kids around fills a void now that she is a bit too old to have them. No fear of coming home after work to an empty house. No fear of laying down at night to a quiet/empty house. And ger sister don't want change because sge can be a stay home mom.

I asked her is she's a person that sleeps in one place in her bed or if she's a wild sleeper and she says she stays in one place. She says its a King-sized bed and I picture a woman laying in a King-sized bed; alone every night, whereas a King (her King) should be laying next to her. Who can you cry to on a lonely night? I know you can pray to God, but I just don't understand how one can go to such a church where the preacher is not addressing the issue that God plans for men and women to be as one in a loving, respectful marriage. That's my belief.

I've tried to let go of this woman but I'm a fool that believes in time she will come to see I'm a good decent man that can and will love her deeply til my end of times. Many brothas would have bounced already, gone elsewhere and many already have/date many at a time. So many sistas with nice jobs, clothes, degrees, cars, homes/apt, driving around with a child seat but having no man to share life with. What a shame. In my job I help single mothers on welfare get skills, training and employment, advocate in the community where pastors don't, work with youth involved in the court system (most from single women-head of household homes), help men and women become entrepreneurs... I believe I am doing Gods work and living what he planned for me, but it doesn't seem good enough.

I want a Black woman as my mate; although I could have been with others outside of Black many times. But, while they waiting for so-called men like me, they waiting deep into their 40's. And the pastor goes home a lays down not alone dreaming up the next message to deliver to rgese sisters seeking something?

If the conversation is only about people who are dead, times of thousands of years ago, words that only prepare you for death,, then how can one really live and think in the here and now?

Great article, Ms. Cooper!! Teaching fear, stupidity, group think keeps people from self agency.

Deborrah, I commend you for having the courage to speak on this topic. Reading the comments, I am saddened by the number of women who felt the same as you, especially those who have left church.

Church should always be a place that edifys and encourages women to discover who they are in Christ. There is nothing worse than a church or pastor that uses the name of Jesus to lower the self-esteem of women or try to deny them a blessing that God has for them, in this case, a husband.

Not every church intends to make a woman submissive so they can dominate all of her time and money. The church I attend is most certainly not like this, but it took me 10 years and alot of heartache to find it.

I am going to pray for these sisters, that if it is their will and God's will, that they find a group of Christians who will support and encourage them to become the women that God wants them to be.

God bless you!

deborrah,

as a very happily engaged non-believer, i want to thank you for this article.

the brainwashed baptist myrmidons of my family continue to "pray for my salvation" while i choose to think critically, act responsibly, and enjoy life on my own terms. mind you, these same god-fearing (adults who embrace teachings of fear? the height of stupidity and groupthink...) christian relatives wring their hands over my agnosticism yet lavish praise on their crack-addicted and/or OOW baby-popping offspring.

because, you know, they got jesus and all so they're cool.

GREAT ARTICLE!!!

I did it all. Went to church 3 x a week or more, believed in the power of god, prayed a lot, etc. What I got was a good looking, single brother (one of the VERY few in our congregation), who was gay and screwing another brother from the same congregation. There were always a lot of sisters in my congregation "fighting" over the slim pickings.Usually the few available brother's married the "prettiest" ones (read: lightest skinned, "good" hair).

I gave up religion long ago, went to college, became an atheist, been married to one of the best men (also atheist) on the planet for over 11 years. My sister and former girlfriends are still going to church, depressed, lonely, and praying for relief from a variety of issues that have not(or rarely) been resolved.

Deb, we need more people like you telling it like it is. A lot of "us" just can't handle the truth.If a lot more "sisters" embraced the truth, they'd leave the church, and church would loose all that money.

Deborah,
I tried responding to an earlier blog regarding your article; it didn't work. After reading your current blog I am more than convinced that what I wrote holds true. This is not a race issue , but an issue of Christian teachings. This is church dogma. I spent 35+ years as a "faithful believer". This unyielding belief caused me to remain for 25 years in an unsatisfactory, if not emotionally abusive marriage. Although I am white, I truly believe that the same problem is occurring in all churches and unfortunately It is the age old practice of putting women "in their place." After all wasn't it Eve who caused mankind to "fall from grace" ? I have experienced it and I have witnessed it. I won't bore you with the Biblical references, which are mostly from the epistles of Paul. I have a friend who only became a Christian because of the teaching that a Christian is not to be "yoked to a non believer." Sadly enough, this is happening not only in Christianity, but in other misogynistic cultures. Keep up the good work!

I get it because this isn't limited to Black churches. It's pervasive in white evangelical churches, too! I went to a non-denominational megachurch for four years and heard all about the kind of man I was supposed to look for. You didn't dare date a non-Christian. The list of must-haves and should-haves was endless. But in a church of +4,000 people, there were only 3 or 4 single men in their 40s who even came to church. Who knew if they had all the qualities they were supposed to have? We were also told over and over again that we were not to ask men out or do ANYTHING to initiate a relationship. We were simply to pray and "wait on God's timing." If we tried to do something about our singleness we would be "out of God's perfect will" for us.

After four years of this brainwashing, I finally realized something one night. I hadn't lost 66 pounds by sitting around and praying for it. I started a diet and when that didn't work, I went to Weight Watchers. I didn't get a new job because I sat and prayed. I updated my resume and portfolio, responded to ads, went to interviews and get a new job. In other words, I got up and DID something!

And so should ALL women who want to find a mate. Faith without works is dead. Get to work!

Ms. Cooper, you are right on target. In fact, I just printed out your article to include in folders for my focus group on Sunday. I am writing an anthology and will reach out to you to include your article in the book. I abandoned the black church a few years ago. It's so much BS that goes on in these churches, and frankly, I wasn't doing anything but falling asleep. I have been hearing the same ole tired messages since I was a little girl. Nothing changes. Every man that ever broke my heart was in the church. So I no longer have the requirement that he has to be in a church. Hell, most of the good guys I know ARE NOT in the church. I have broadened my horizons! You go girl! And keep those articles coming!

Ms. Cooper,
Sorry, but do not pat yourself on the back too much. I read the original article and I watched the clip of the minister.
What could be soooo wrong with what he said??
He's simply encouraging women to not "be soooo easy"! That's it. No WOMAN should give her precious gifts (her "goodies & benefits" as I like to call them) to any man UNLESS SHE KNOWS FOR SURE that that man is going to give his all to her. Yes, his very life. What could be wrong with that?? If the modern day woman could see that, many of the present-day relationship problems would diminish.

It seems as though now in these, the early days of the 21st century, some blacks want to graduate from the one institution that's helped us the most--the Church, supposedly in the name of progress. How disrespectful that is to our history!

Take a walk down the memory lane of African American history. What did Phillis Wheatley, Sojourner Truth, Harriet Tubman, Fredrick Douglass, Booker T. Washington, George Washington Carver, Carter G. Woodson, Martin Luther King (plus many more) have in common?

A deep abiding faith in Christ that gave them true courage to stand up against evil, injustice, and the like. Now, although the American church in general has a lot of deep problems, it is not solely responsible for the current state of male/female relationships in this culture. Women of other ethnicities are singing the same tune of the struggles to find a good man--but they ain't blaming the Church for it.

I agree with the video and the article (if I can actually do that!). From the video, I felt that he was trying to tell women not to be so easy. What I have learned in life is that men like the chase. So when women become so presistent about getting a man it really turns the men off. I know the speaker in the video was coming from a spiritual point of view but all he was saying is take your time, wait, and not be so fast at trying to get a man on your own-Let the man chase you.
On the other hand, I do agree with the article because all of the "Church Stuff" that women involve themselves in prevents them from having the time and availability to meet single men who may be interested in them. As a single black woman myself, actively involved in the church I attend...waiting for that special someone can get a little old, especially when all the churches I have attended the men are old, already married, or seem a little on the feminine side! I do feel that Pastors take advantage of single women (or any woman for that matter) because we get so caught up in things and do not know how to get out. We become so committed in everything we do with our emotional selves! It seems that Pastors take advantage of those emotions, use them against us in their sermons, and even holds us in a sense of bondage (because we become to emotional to leave).Resulting in other issues: home, family, friends being neglected (even neglecting ourselves).

Deborah--First of all I want to thank you for your article. As an African-American women who has been church-ed all my life and lead to believe to wait on Mr. Right to show up in church, I appreciate the candor with which you have written your article. I myself have begun to feel frustrated by church doctrine that I feel is limiting, especially to women of color. My most recent blog post addresses the church, women of color, romance, and relationships. Please check it out at smelodyiva.wordpress.com. I would love to get your feedback and ideas. I look forward to hearing from you.--Afua

Oh my God (no pun intended). I am feeling this!!

I listened to Michael Baisden yesterday...I enjoyed the show...Looked you up on the internet...I used to be religious, but now I only go to church when I feel the need. I know a lot of women who feel that men who go to church are better than other men...No matter how hard I try to tell them that a man is a man. Just because he goes to church doesn't mean anything. I have met good men at the bar, at the gym...It doesn't matter...Thank you for the article...Lots of people won't agree, but then again, lots of people will.

I read this article with great sadness in my heart. Some of what Ms. Cooper says is true but to be a journalist, there surely isn't a lot of objectivity in the article. Ms. Cooper, you said you visited lots of churches across the country. Great, all you could come up with is that weird, weak, opportunistic, slimy or recovering men go to church every week. What a shame your mind couldn't be more open. I have attended church regulary for the last 25 years and have seen some of everything inclluding lonely, single women and happily married ones. I met my husband at a Bible Study and he is no loser. To substantiate your point, we did find that the Bible Study turned out to be a bad situation with the controlling elements you spoke of, so we left. We found another church that did effectively teach the Bible and demanded that we read it for ourselves and not just take the word of the one up front. Good thing, but I already knew to do that. There were some nice men in that church, strong, independent thinkers and some losers. It takes all kinds...besides, a good church is a hospital for those who need healing. And then those people get stronger and become productive memnbers of society. You sound as though you have some secret axe to grind and you're trying to camouflage it with lopsided facts, statss and bitter sounding rhetoric. I feel sadness for anyone who absolutely agrees with your views and anyone too mad to see some validity, too. Nevertheless, I pray for you.

THANK YOU for writing the TRUTH!!! I don't care WHO speaks negatively against what you said, I have LIVED it! I married one of those "Bible-toting-church-abiding-dysfunctional men" in order to not sin and commit fornication. I literally quickly married someone I knew nothing about and remained married for many miserable years to prove that "Christian" marriages work.Our foolishness was perpetuated by a belief system imposed in our church that as long as we both were 'saved' things would work out.

I see young ladies making this same mistake over and over; marrying to please the judgments of church people...some of them who wish THEY were FREE (single) too!Church does not replace or cover up what we personally lack in social skills, family disconnectedness,educational sufficiency or financial unpreparedness. But it DOES in some circles create a false hope that these deficits can be overlooked with 'faith.' Hmmmmm...not so!

When my children became older and began questioning my beliefs that they saw made little or no sense, I began to become TRUTHFUL with MYSELF and THEM. We DISCUSS what we hear in church and I hear them out. I do NOT want them to be blind followers of cultural burdens and spiritual misinformation that creates confusion, unnecessary life stalling or unhappiness.

Again, THANK YOU!!!!!

Words aren't enough to express my thankfulness to Ms. Cooper on writing these articles regarding Black Women remaining single while being 'faithful' to their Black churches. Since I divorced my "Bible toting church abiding minister man" while my children were still young, I was a divorced single mom for most of their upbringing.

Problems became evident when my children were older and would challenge me on my beliefs that they saw little to no evidence as making any sense. Why was their beautiful, intelligent mother not the 'catch' of some other 'saved' man? And if mom and dad were 'saved' why were they divorced?

Your article hit it right on the head. I married one of those dysfunctional church going type men in an attempt to be obedient to scriptures and not commit fornication. I married someone I barely knew, stuck it out for 13 miserable years (I'd had his children and wanted to prove that a Christian marriage works) then left and I must say I have been MUCH happier since leaving that relationship.

I see this behavior repeated over and over by young Christian women who get married to appease the other churchgoers, not knowing that some of these people wish THEY were FREE, (unmarried) too! Our ministers don't want to know us; they want our attendance so THEY can look GOOD and WE can give them our MONEY!!! They could care less about the conditions of our families as we repeat relationship errors from outdated mandates that do not work!!!!!

So what if the 'black' woman started attending the 'white' church, would that suffice...since it seems like the 'black' church is the problem? Any findings on that scenario?...or what if the black church has a female pastor, will the black woman come out right? Is the issue finding a man or fixing the church...or educating the black, GROWN woman who has no excuse to be ignorant?

I do consider myself a Christian, yet I was always taught that this meant living in a Christ-like way. Christ was all about helping those who most need it, uplifting the "outcasts" in society and equality between men and women.

Historically it was not until the 3rd and 4th centuries that we see rigid gender roles emerge. This is around the same time the Christian religion began to exhibit largely Hellenistic values and values that reflected early Roman culture. This occurred when Constantine adopted Christian as the state religion of the Roman Empire, yet cultural values still influenced people's ideas and behavior.

When one considers the fact that "religions" have always been tailored to further one's own agenda; it makes seen why the bible proclaims that women be in a inferior position. If the bible supports patriarchy under God, then of course women will not question their position in society.

Yet, people must remember that the bible has been re-interpreted and translated. Even today if one were to pick up two different version of the bible one could interpret in two completely different ways depending on how it is written.

Now some of these preaching negroes are talking about shooting you if you don't pay your tithes WTF is wrong with the black church today!

"Pay Tithes or get SHOT!"--Creflo Dollar
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JM3BWAmlXis&feature=youtu.be

Great article and I got the memo years ago on this one. There are four things that get most black women all riled up and angry: religion, hair, Dark skin Vs Light skin and interracial dating.

I said this a while back about the black church and never really waited around to read the comments nor care about what was said, but the black church could have falling a long time ago if it wasn't for the black woman. They don't question their roles in one of the worlds biggest social organizations because that's all it is today, a community club. There's not much that they do in any communities but fill their own pockets and live lavish lifestyles while most of their congregations live in poverty.

They don't serve a purpose, they come to only fleece their flocks. I can no longer support any type of religious organization that attempts to brain wash me with lies. The same religious doctrine that was used to hold African slaves in bondage is the same one used to control and oppress their progeny. If Christianity is suppose to be about love, in my 50 years on this earth I have never seen any of it to come from those who claim to be one. All I've ever seen is hatred and judgment against anyone who doesn't believe in what has been taught to them or thinks differently.

How are black women going to say they love Jesus, who is often depicted as a white man, when they claim to not be interested in dating men from different ethnic backgrounds? That's the problem, so many of them are dating Jesus in the meantime and when the right one comes along Jesus will be abandoned.

Many pastors don't live in the neighborhoods that their churches are located in. How you going to serve the people when you don't live among them? I believe in a higher power, but I don't believe in mans version of who and what a God is and quite frankly never have. How is anyone going to judge another human being when they ain't right within???

Deborrah, the truth hurts and I've realized that the majority of black people to include black women cannot handle or tolerate the truth when it's staring them dead in the face. Keep speaking your truth and all of these so called relationship experts on websites are doing nothing but pimping these women also in hopes of selling their forthcoming books. They claim feminism in one breath and on the next they feel that they're nothing without a man to share their lives with, no wonder why the majority of them are confused.

Religion places women in second and third class citizenship, one in which many are gladly to be a part due to their religious indoctrination on the roles they should play in a patriarchal society. That's why women are so easily influenced to spend their hard earned money due to low self-esteems because they are indoctrinated with the belief that it's all about the superficial and never the heart of an individual.

The majority of women don't know their worth and never will just as long as it's measured by having youthful looks, money, and a husband. Thank you Miss Cooper!

To say feminism is a religion is not only hilarious, but wrong. As a matter of fact, a Den Hollander tried to say that Columbia University was violating his First Amendment rights because he claim "feminism is a religion."

"Feminism is no more a religion than physics" said the judge.

I for one enjoyed your article. I do understand your article is directed toward Black Women, but as a Latina Woman it spoke to me as well. What many women as a whole fail to acknowledge that religion and the church (being an extension of religion) demands the subjugation of women. Period.

Never mind the rigid gender roles it promotes and in doing so places men above women. Relegating our status as second class. The sad part is how many women WANT to submit and obey because they are under the illusion that by doing so they will find a "good man". I still dont even know how many can even define what a "good man" is?

Lucky for me that I broke from the mental chains of bondage that I call religion. I am an Atheist who have been married to an African American Man for 15 years. Needless to say, I did not meet him at church. He is a wonderful husband and father to our children.We have a happy marriage based on trust and MUTUAL respect. He does not see himself as above me EVER! and he is so secure in himself that he does need for me to coddle, baby, bow, stroke his ego to make him feel "man".

People of Color like us do exist..... people who dont need a priest, pastor, antiquated books or the church to tell us how to be good, moral, happy, loving of our fellow man, respectful of others and more important who and how to love.